200mg of Lithium and Counting Down
I just took a 200mg dose of Lithium Carbonate. I have been tapering off ultra slowly as to not upset my psychosomatic, psychocybernetic, bio-mechanism. I am reducing my dose 10mg every 2-3 days. How am I doing this? With a cheap milligram scale I bought on amazon. I didn’t feel that going down in 150mg chunks was a good idea. After all, my goal is to be successful at this whole getting off of psych medication scheme. This is the milligram scale I used.
Today I gave up on reading books linearly and I grabbed them at random, flipping through pages, in awe of the information and insights presented on the pages. Somehow they all seem to be books about me. Perhaps they are all written about me for me in order for me to learn just what I need to learn about myself. Why does each sentence of each book seems so profound in the moment? Why do I experience that with books, words, squiggles on a pages? Why do the words stir up something in me that feels meaningful? Why do I chase that?
Yet I struggle with the beauty that lies in the interaction with another human face, another human being. I feel it’s that I feel alone in the perception that much of what is so human to chatter on about seems meaningless and frivolous. But what is so sacred about perceptions and interpretations of reality vs. that of the other. It is equally valid and human to perceive the need to evacuate ones bowels as it is to experience the greatest feeling of oneness.
Indeed when I had the feeling of impending death at the peak of psychosis, I felt as if my worldly body was going to shit all over the floor and have an orgasm at the same time. In the end, I don’t believe I came and I don’t think I went.