Stuff about Stuff, Experience, Mania, Psychosis and Spiritual Emergency and Not Knowing
I have all this stuff. I am surrounded by the stuff that I’ve accumulated over my nearly 33 years of existence. Why do I keep it? Does it make me feel safe? Does it make me who I really am? Does it remind me of who I’ve been?
Who have I been? Someone that collects stuff in order to ensure the continuity of this existence? What is so great about this existence? Do I go on experiencing a slight variation of the same thing in terms of thoughts, feelings and actions? Is it my internal chemistry that anchors me in this continued variation of experience that I call ‘me’ or is it the people, places and things that do not vary that invariably lead to dis-variation?
The answer to these questions so far is a definite I DON’T KNOW. And I really don’t. And that’s okay. Actually, it’s more than okay to me that I don’t know the answer because all the answers I have are of the past accumulation and are part of the problem. They are only part of the problem as problems are only of parts trying to analyze other parts when it was the part that create the other part and the problem by creating the parts that look at each other and call it problematic.
The idea of parts creating problems out of themselves has been unfolded in depth by one of my favourite and most influential minds that I’ve allowed to influence me holographically, J Krishnamurti.
In retrospect, I was feverishly devouring Krishnamurti’s texts in the months that lead up to the beginnings of my spiritual emergency, A.K.A. psychosis. I followed his thoughts and insights by reading with every cell of my body. I feel that it unfolded areas of my brain that were otherwise caught in rigid linear thinking. Without going too much into it here, it seems to me that his writings could have played a part in potentiating my journey through mania and psychosis, or what I have come to believe was more of what Stan Grof wrote about as spiritual emergency.
I say ‘believe’ because I am just beginning to read up on the perspective of spiritual emergency and at-this-time-so-called-in-western-culture-mental-illness. Perhaps as I read up on it in order to have it as a context through which to fully integrate my experience, it will not be a belief but part of the quantum hologram that I am.
I always had a feeling that it was infinitely more spiritual than disease and that the only dis-ease is that our paradigm doesn’t have a healthy way to guide those who lose touch with reality through it. That’s not to say that there is nobody and nowhere out there that will be able to guide me through it next time, if there is a next time.
I’ve come to the realization that I do not fear the ‘next time’ that may come when all of a sudden I’m walking 2 inches off the ground. I have tools to calm it down or speed it up. I have insights to understand the process and mechanisms. I have a psychiatrist and other supports who with the mainstream paradigm can bring me back to the mainstream paradigm. And if not, there are infinite possibilities to ‘where’ ‘I’ might go. I don’t know this. I love saying ‘I don’t know’ to myself. It stops whatever rambling concern I might have for myself and rests me again in potentiality. My mind clears for the nonlinear insight to arise in my consciousness, uncaused.
To me, it’s all a change in perception. My perception of the field of gravity will change. My perception of the locality of sights, sounds, smells, thoughts, ideas, people and every other possible categorization of objects from gross to subtle. I envision for myself that it will happen at the right moment, with the right people and tools set in place to pluck the gifts from that ephemeral experience from the infinite field of possibility and make if tangible and explorable to those who have never been there.
I ask myself, is this thought, feeling, idea, or action something new being presented to this consciousness? Or is it of the old? To me, the new feel inspiring, it feeds me energy. Perhaps more energy or of a different quality that I get from food. Is it the energy of integration? The energy of adding something completely new to that which is old in a way that changes it forever? I really don’t know what it is, but integration of structure as it relates to function and ideas as it relates to materiality is tickling my brain to vibrate in new directions.
Feel free to tickle my bank account and I will use the energy to tickle the Universe.