Last 20 milligrams of Lithium tomorrow

Published on January 31, 2015 under Mental Wellbeing

Lithium Carbonate.  Oh how you’ve been my constant companion over these last nearly 4 years.  Whether or not I really needed you can never really be proven.  I do not fear what may come as at least I will have my liver and kidneys longer than projected if I kept you as a friend.

To mention not as medical advise but to say that I am on a constant path of discovery of what is best for my body, this body, that I embody.  What do I want to embody?  A body that is not dependant on pharmaceuticals.  Does this mean I will never take a pill as needed as I see that I may need it?  On the contrary.  For me, anything can be a useful tool.

As a vegan, I don’t eat meat.  But I read recently that someone going through a “spiritual emergency” found it very grounding to chow down on McDonalds burgers (I read that in the book “Spiritual Emergency” by Stan Grof).

I filed that away in my brain for a time where I may be too elevated for my own good, or for the good of others.  Can I learn to navigate this bio-psycho-social organism that I inhabit in this world that we all inhabit?  I believe so.

There are many different perspectives on mental illness and I have investigated a few. In my mind, the way I see it, going through and continuing to go through what is called Bipolar Disorder Type 1 has allowed me to look into the depths of the possibilities of perception.

Can I choose the way in which I interpret and integrate my experiences? Can I choose differently then what I’ve been told? Perhaps it’s helpful to do so and perhaps it’s not. But I’m going to find out. I don’t really know how to go about this.

For starters, I feel I have to love myself enough to want to look at myself and within myself. I have to love myself more than I love my favourite people, possessions and pretty distractions. What am I up to? What am I all about? I’m pretty darn mysterious. I’m more interesting than the hottest TV show. Can I be entrained by the flow which is me? Maybe this is all the entertainment I need. To entertain ideas as a method of playing with energy. To delight in it. To make light of it.

I don’t know.

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