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The personal processing of “mania” and “psychosis”

Published on February 5, 2015 under bipolar disorder

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I’ve been trying to find the place within from which to share my experience. I hope to understand myself at higher and higher levels not because I feel that I’m lacking in some way or need to improve in order to be satisfied with myself. This place feels different in kind and quality then interpreting my experience according to the knowledge of the world.

I hope to integrate my experience in a way that is meaningful to me and acknowledges the depth and breadth of the experiences and encounters I had during “mania” and “psychosis”. These labels are convenient words to point to a certain type of experience that is abnormal. Whether or not my experience was abnormal is secondary to me.

I feel like my brain is now in the appropriate conditions and circumstances to have the capacity to look at itself. I am on my 5th day of being psycho-pharmaceutical free. I’ve had a long and cautious journey to this point and lots of help from caring professionals along the way. I am very grateful.

As I sit here and look out the window, I see in front of me objects that indicate love and care for myself and for the world. Chemical free fair trade dish soap. Bottles of my latest batch of Kombucha tea undergoing it’s second fermentation full of living probiotics that I will drink to add life to my body and the bodies of others I gift it too. A vortex water revitalizer attachment on the faucet to bring stale and dead water back into it’s living structure to be easily absorbed to hydrate my body that is greater than 70% or more water. The bucket of compost that I empty almost daily as I eat nearly all raw plants.

Why do I do these things? Why do I take such an interest in learning about this body-mind-organism that I appear to be? Why should it not be the most interesting and important thing to me as it is the vehicle through which I sense, perceive, react, and act towards as I move through reality. If I don’t put the right fuel and input into my body, I won’t get the desired feedback. I don’t expect to get anywhere in my car by keeping one foot on the breaks. I can’t imagine the engine starting if I pour a slurpee in the gas tank.

I take an interest because I am the most amazingly complex thing I could ever learn about. My body is so complex. I’m in this body and in this world and it’s way cooler than the latest video game. Why would I look beyond the body-brain-mind that I am in? This life is like playing the coolest video game in reality. What other experience could I wish for?

I am healthy and lucky to be. It’s taken a ton of research. This research is a form of self love. I love myself enough to wonder what I’m capable of. I love myself to know that I can overcome any challenge beyond my vision in a situation clouded by illness and undesirable circumstances. It’s a journey of self love. I love myself at my best and at my worst. Because if I don’t, who will. Yay for being alive!

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