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I failed to come off psychiatric medications…at least this time

Published on April 4, 2015 under bipolar disorder

I envisioned at this point that I might be sharing something along the lines of “yay I’ve been medication free for one month”.  That’s what I thought.  What I think will happen and what happens in my Universe are two different things.  I’d like to still imagine that the Universe still has my best interest in mind.  Somehow, I think that that is not entirely true.  The Universe has the best interest of the whole Universe in mind.  Perhaps the trouble is that I am falling far short of the role that I am to play in all of this.  I write this from a perspective of medicated to normalcy.

Yes I am back on medication.  600 milligrams of Lithium Carbonate and 50 milligrams of Trazadone.  I wasn’t on the Trazadone originally but I was having some painful and debilitating anxiety which was causing me to not be able to fall asleep.  I remembered that I took Trazadone 4 years ago to help regulate my sleep.  The Trazadone has helped with my sleep and my anxiety so I am grateful for that.  None of this is medical advise so please seek help from your doctor as that’s what I did.

So why did I fail?  One of the reasons I think could be a reason is that last year I had a blood and urine test to see what biotype of bipolar disorder I am.  My results came back and it turned out I had “Pyroluria”.  I started supplementing accordingly and the important supplements were B6, Zinc and primrose oil.  I was taking these supplements and others everyday until one fine day I decided I didn’t want to anymore.  I went for 2 months without supplementing to help the process of coming of my psychiatric medications (which I did under doctor’s supervision).  A week after getting out of the hospital I was in an anxious panic at 2:00am and I opened up my book “Natural Healing for Bipolar Disorder” to the section on Pyrrole Disorder and it said in the margin “Zinc and B6 supplementation should be ongoing, and increased if stressors increase.  If Zinc and B6 are discontinued, serious symptoms may recur within 2 to 14 days.”  In short, it seems I may have screwed myself over.  Not a surprise as subtle or not so subtle self sabotage seems to be the theme of my existence.

Needless to say, I’m back on Zinc and B6, and other stuff too because I am a supplement and health nut.  Why is it that I need to go to such lengths to maintain this physical form in such a way that it might stay in physical reality?  I kind of like living on Earth so stop it!!  (I’m talking to myself).

Here is a pretty picture reminding me that this place is beautiful.  Maybe what’s not beautiful is the stuff that is hidden deep down inside me.  Why is is there?  Why is it nowhere but somewhere only when it’s where I can feel it?

One day, I will try again.  I will not stop my supplements.  I would love to be able to go to a naturopath I know of to do more testing of my biochemical pathways to see in which ways my little molecules are in disarray.

I felt so clear for a month there.  All these beautiful feelings were made available to me.  Where did they go?  Hello?  Beautiful feelings??  Come back!!  Please?

Some beautiful feelings are still around.  Some medicated feelings or lack there of.  Some blah feelings of not wanting to get out of bed.

The thing I am looking forward to the most is the SUN!!  It’s almost here in this hemisphere lighting up the hemispheres of my brain.

I am grateful for my brain even though it has been certified as insane.  As Gabor Mate would say, something about there is sanity in seeing one is not sane.  I understand I am not sane, as I have been told.  I don’t love myself any less.  I’m still the same old trying to be amazingly healthy and kind until I blindside myself with self sabotage self.

Do I sabotage myself because I am not in the ‘right’ situation or circumstances?  I’m not sure about that one.

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