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A renewed urge to meditate…balancing this bipolar brain.

Published on April 5, 2015 under bipolar disorder

This last week I’ve been feeling rather introspective.  I’ve been speculating on my life’s purpose while spectating during walks around the neighbourhood.  I’ve been observing my inhales and exhales as my heart bounces softly underneath my rib cage.  I’ve been thinking about my heart.  I suppose that’s ‘better’ than just thinking.  Then there is the notion of thinking with the heart, not just about the heart.

I came across an article in “The New Agora” newspaper that says “7 Scientific Reasons to Listen to your Heart (not your Brain)” by Dr. Joel Kahn.  One of the reasons is that “activity in one person’s heart can be measured in the brain waves of another person”.  That’s cool!!!  I guess I need to take responsibility for my own heart.

So yesterday I meditated for the first time in 4 years.  I’m not sure if the trend will continue, or if it will become a trend at all.  Perhaps it was just a one off thing.  I lit a beeswax candle that I got at Value Village.  It looks hand made.  I’ve had the candle for 4 years since my first ‘crisis’.  Why have I not used it yet?  I bought a meditation cushion off Craigslist back when I was into mediation.  Why do I have all these things?  What are really the essentials in life?

A friend of mine asked me if I’ve heard the song “Thinking Out Loud” by Ed Sheeran.  I looked it up on Youtube and I was immediately put in a state of goosebumps and teary eyes.  How can the sentiments and sounds of a beautiful song (to my ears at least) put me in a state where everything else dissolves and falls away.  For that four minutes, nothing else matters but bathing in the feeling that is created by the sense perception of a something that is beautiful, a pattern of vibration.  For those four minutes, I give myself permission to just listen and enjoy listening and enjoy the permeation of sound through my being resonating something that allows nothing to matter.  My mind has no chatter.  My mouth cracks a smile of relief.  I am relieved of myself.  Permission to just enjoy.  Is my mission to just enjoy?  Can I just enjoy my life no matter what comes?

I get distracted by reflections so I couldn’t help but take a picture of the reflection of the candle and my own reflection too.  Then the meditation session was over.  I sat and looked at my reflection in the candle light and I could see many different versions of me.  Perhaps I don’t really know what I look like.  I want to know what my heart looks like.  Or maybe it’s that I want to look with my heart.  What does this heart want?

I have a plaque that has the quote “Listen to your heart, it know’s where it’s going”.  I also have a journal that says “There is not set path, just follow your heart”.  Is this true?  Or is it only true if I do it.  I wonder what that’s like, to follow my heart.  It seems like it’s not as simple as following my heart but also trusting my heart.  How can I trust my heart if I don’t even know it?  Is there a connection between this heart stuff and bipolar disorder?

I’m thinking that perhaps the connectedness feeling in mania is like being in the heart and listening to the heart.  It seems like the crossover into psychosis is the jump from heart centred consciousness back to mind centred consciousness.  I’m just making this up.  There could be an element of truth to it.  In my case, once I leap back to the mind from the heart, I want to jump ship.  Thus far, twice it has taken hospital intervention to keep me on Earth.  I feel like I create the vision I want to live out in that heart space of mania.  I can see how I want to live my life and how I want to be.  It’s such a holistic and complete feeling.  It’s almost like I have to cross back over the gap and start from zero in order to live out the creation of that vision.  I have no idea.  Most of the experience feels somewhat ‘spiritual’ to me and there is way more to it than I can begin to understand.

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