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Watching the sunset…where is the spark after psychosis?

Published on April 7, 2015 under bipolar disorder

The last rays of the day and I love to gaze at the ball a blaze that raises blades of grass and sustains all of life.  My favourite days are the days that I am thankful and don’t want to go to sleep as I am excited for tomorrow.  How do I create this feeling within?  What is it that I am lacking on the days that I don’t experience this inner feeling?  After all, it’s all inside of me whether it’s that “good” feeling or “not so good feeling”.  The common theme is both are within me.

I don’t exactly know what the difference is.  It seems that I need to become more skilled at watering my inner garden such that I experience the suchness of what is as enough, or more than enough.  Hmmmm.  Could it be I either experience myself as enough or more than enough?  When I experience myself as enough, I am content.  When I experience myself as more than enough, I feel connected and capable.  And then I could experience myself as not enough and this feels like disconnection and stuckness.

Where is that spark?  Who is the one who lights the spark?  Is there a separate sparker from the one needed to be sparked?  At times I hope that something or someone will come around and light a spark that brings me out from the dark.  It seems the times I feel I need something external, the harder it is to come by.  It doesn’t come by at all.  Time passes me by.  I watch the passers by and wonder why I’m sparkless.  Where is that spark that makes everything sparkle?

Sometimes I’m home in my space with my things and everything has meaning and is full of wonder.  My collection of books, the notes I take, the questions I ask, the journals I write in.  And other times I sit amongst it all as if it were just hunks of junk.  What is the difference?  Again, it seems that the me sitting in either glee or not so glee is the common things.  It’s all me.  It’s all me?  Does that mean I have to do something?  I think I’ll make something to eat.

First comes mania, then comes psychosis, then comes a depressed medicated hypnosis.  That’s a bit of an exaggeration because overall I’m doing well.  I lived through psychosis again.  I am attempting to integrate it.

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