Reading my notebooks since my bipolar diagnosis
It’s been 5 years.
I’m embarking on a journey through my notebooks of the past year mostly. I’ve done a bunch of research and it’s time to research my research. Maybe there are some themes. I feel like I keep researching more and more and this process might never end unless I choose to end it. Much of it is overlapping. I’ve written insights that seem to come out of no where. I’ve recorded bits to be used later in my quest to one day begin to taper off the psych meds that I am on. I tried a slow taper last year (with the reluctant support of my psychiatrist) that ended with a hospitalization. I realized that the Universe wanted me to learn more. I feel it’s time for me to be the more that I’ve learned. To truly integrate it into the way I live. Maybe I already have but the information junkie in me must read through these scribbles. I have pages of notes from my first episode of mania and psychosis. It’s interesting to see how my notes have become more coherent in the subsequent two psychoses. I’m not a fan of the word psychosis but it’s the language that we understand. Perhaps I will find other ways I’ve defined and described it along the way. I’ve come to the point that I’ve befriended psychosis in a way. Each time I get stronger. I’ve done a sort of strength training for the mentally ill. I’m no longer afraid of it although the experience of it can be really scary. I leave the fear for the now moment experience of it when it colors my perceptions, not in the anticipation of it’s arrival. I had another experience of psychosis recently in October (2015). I again went to the hospital. I learned so much more.
One of the main messages is that I must get in line with my path, my destiny and life purpose if I am to hope that the state of psychosis won’t return. Maybe it will have nothing more to tell me and leave me alone. I hope to organize my notes in order to design a plan along the lines of how can I un-crazy myself to transcend the current system of care? This is an undertaking I take very serious and I might spend months doing this. I need tons of support and certain resources. I don’t know how it will unfold. I want to share along the way as what I hope to do is not just for me. I want others to have hope for options when it comes to the approach to this time of human experience. Wish me luck!