Living in the moment, integrating the past. What have I learned?

Published on December 13, 2015 under bipolar disorder

I want to catch the past with the present and become one movement of the now where there’s nothing to do but what happens and what happens is all that I do. I want to share this journey so far. So starts the process of sorting through who I was and who I thought I was and what I think and what I thought. It seems the answer is in information but this information is not for me. It’s meant to be shared as all of life is shared between us.

It’s a matter of how it is integrated not a matter of how it is grasp as all that matters cannot be grasped.  It can only be lived. I guess I don’t know how I want to live. I’m alive but how am I living? Am I living my highest potential? Or at least trying to grasp at that? By grasping am I delaying being that? What does it mean to be a human being? There are sharing bits and bits to use to make the transformation to a different way of being. I want to live in a state of trust. Recording by writing for later reordering is not trust.

Can I be vulnerable and show my heart? Can I feel my heart on these medications? What does life want? Does life want my life? Can I give my whole being to it? I am the power and the power is not in the information but perhaps how information informs this creation. I’ve had a sort of psychotic awakening. An awakening through psychosis. It’s not really the ideal way to wake up but it definitely makes life interesting.  

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