Psychosis as a great teacher
I have had 4 psychoses and each time I see more and more of what is commonly thought of as interior. My interior isn’t much different than mine as we share a common humanity. My most recent experience of psychosis was rough. I experienced some dark dark material as I sat in the psych ward. It had nothing to do with the present moment. I was confused about who I was. I experienced so many other aspect of human experience as if they were actually happening. They were happening in my consciousness and my body experienced physiological responses just as it would a dream. Perhaps life is just a dream. Life is more mysterious than ever and I feel like I am living on borrowed time facilitated by Lithium and Trazadone. Oh to be medicalized and psychiatrized back into consensus reality. I could turn anti-psychiatry, but then it could be a necessary evil. I’m really not sure.
Who is ready to watch the content of ones consciousness as it happens in awareness? Who is ready for the waking nightmares? We all contribute as we are not separate. We believe in separation. Psychosis is a teacher for me. I now hate my teacher and ask that it give me any more lessons. I’ve seen enough. I’ve seen that I am the homeless man, but I have a home and parents that are there as long as I promise to remain consistant, robotic. Do I want this inheritance? If I am captured again, I am sure I might run. I need options. Please. Why does this psyche reorganize itself? Is see that it does, when it does, as it takes over. But why? Am I processing the processes of family members? My experience tells me yes. Why must I be the scape goat? Because I must and I will if that means the next generation will go unharmed. But I sense that by playing the human games that we play so monotenously, they will inherit this monotony. Why aren’t we playful? Why do we stop laughing? Why isn’t life funny? Can I please play a new game besides mental patient? How about seeing things from a different perspective? How about be concerned with how we do not seem to have reverence for all of life? I don’t understand. Please I wish to understand myself. Why am I afraid? Why are women not safe? How can I feel safe again?