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The “no path” path and synchronicity. Thinking about ‘mania’

Published on June 12, 2016 under bipolar

I wonder about the intense synchronicity I experienced 5 years ago.   How did everything conspire to happen in my favour?  I have been watching a Krishnamurti talk over and over and it seems to mutate my brain cells in such away that I can perceive things clearly, anew.  He also famously says that “truth is a pathless land”.

I wonder if 5 years ago I wandered in this pathless land, not because it is a different physical territory than the one we all share, but because my brain was clear, and I headed out with a backpack with clothes and rollerblades, and a one way ticket to Santa Barbara.

How did I decide to go to Santa Barbara?  Google maps of course.  First I decided and was clear that I was going to go on a trip by myself.  Then I looked at google maps to see where the Amtrak Train stopped.  Then I thought “Ah, Santa Barbara”.  And then I checked to see if there was a Hostel to stay at.  Yes, one Hostel, right by the Amtrak station.  I booked my ticket and called the Hostel to make sure there would be space.  From there, I didn’t look back.

I had no plan, no agenda.  I feel like, having no agenda, my brain wasn’t full of thoughts of plans, anticipations, imagining the future.  My brain was very quiet.  During the 36 hour train ride, I enjoyed the beautiful sights and spoke with my seat mate.  At the time, I was eating only raw-vegan food.  Because of that, I crossed the border with no food as I intended to buy some in Seattle.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any place close by to stock up.  I turned out my seat mate was going one stop further than I, and had packed a full cooler of mostly fruits and veggies.  The Universe showed up for me.

I was a bit skiddish on my trip and wasn’t sure about the tourist hostel business.  When I stepped off the train, I met a lady that was a hostel reviewer, and I felt safe walking with her to the hostel and getting aquainted with the place.  Thank you Universe.  That lady left the next day though I met a girl the sext day who would be my friend the rest of the time.  We hung out a few times and checked in with each other.

There is more to the story, but what I’m trying to illustrate is that by not having so many thoughts and plans, the brain is quieter and one is more free to see what is actually there, showing up at each moment.  Maybe there IS a synchronicity in every moment but we miss it because we are too busy thinking of other things.  By thinking of other things in a linear fashion, the brain is paying attention to that narrow band of information that often has nothing to do with the present moment.  So, we can either synchronize with the present moment or not.  Of course this is over simplified.

In my experience of mania, it felt only synchronous, to the point that it became unbelievable.  Perhaps this is how I sabbotage it, by not believing that the world can work in a synchronous way, or that I can synchronize with the world each moment.  Perhaps we are meant to operate in a synchronous way.  Could synchronizing with the present moment be seeing what is in the present moment?  Whether that be a flower or a thought/sensation of anger.  The anger may be old or due to something happening in the present moment.  Either way, it can be watched and disidentified with.

That is easier said than done.  In my case, I have very strong feelings and body sensations when I experience mania, or more often, psychosis.  I can be with them and watch them, but there is still a sense of dislike or like, which is identification.  In psychosis, the suffering is intense.

Since my first intense mania, it has since subsided and now I experience a hypomania.  In hypomania, I feel slightly elevated but I channel that energy into getting involved in too many things.  Perhaps this way, I stretch myself too thin.  I say yes to everything.  I want to help everyone.  Perhaps this opens up too many possibilities.  Recently I am ‘protecting’ myself (from my own enthusiam) by purposely not planning anything past a certain threashold.

For example, right now I am creating a project.  I was working on the poster and I just sent it to the printers. I told myself I wouldn’t even call and make an appointment to get my hair cut until after I have put up the posters.  I also intend to go for hypnotherapy.  I told myself that I wouldn’t call to make the appointment until the posters are up and I finished doing more of the “making sense of my story” course I purchased.  Now that I am finished the poster, I can do more of the course.  This way, I catch up on what I have committed to, either committing to my own healing, committing my time, making an appointment, and committing money to something.  My haircut will take time and money.  I am also thinking of donating my hair to “wigs for kids”.

It seems simple enough to make an appointment to get my hair cut, but by completing things that I’ve committed myself too first, I am not over committing myself and I’m leaving room for other things to happen.

Another thing I seem to bump up against in mania is my own unresolved trauma.  Everything is going great and then I find myself dissociating and in a psychosis.  I feel like there is too much unresolved stuff that acts like a teather to my past and even the collective past of all of humanity.

I have realized that I need to be present with myself, heal past trauma, and work on my own creative projects no matter how excited I am about what someone else is doing.  Perhaps one day when I have settled into doing what I do as me, as what I came here to be, I will be better equipped to mutually support and uplift others in what they are doing.  There are so many people doing cool things.

Do you have any cool porjects on the go?

 

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