When hypomania tips to psychosis..bipolar lifestyle design

Published on June 22, 2016 under bipolar

Living with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder 1 has got me wondering.  I am always wondering and in a state of wonder.  I wonder that I can be “doing so well”, working, being social, getting involved, and be in a state of psychosis and admitted to psych ward as wellness spills over into illness.  It feels like my mania has changed to actually mean I am just doing too much in actual reality.  Too much eustress can be a ‘bad’ thing.  I have this sense that I can no longer sense mania in that I am embodied in actually using the energy of mania in aspects of reality.  This is hard to explain, but in constrast to my first major episode of mania 5 years ago, I thought I could save the world in a day, with the power of my mind, now it seems I am doing the daily work of what I can do “to make the world a better place” a little bit at a time everyday.  It seems there is a certain threashold of say doing 20 bits of work per day to doing 40 bits.

What I mean is, the energy of mania is channeled into projects happening in reality, so that it doesn’t feel like mania as I am participating with reality.  In this way, psychosis sneaks up on me as I don’t realize that I am experiencing a mania.  To me it feels like this is more likely a hypomania.  I feel like I now how hidden mania and the extra energy that comes up arises with the project that I chose to participate in.  This is my theory.  With this theory, I have scaled back the number of projects and activities I am participating in.  I am relaxing more and participating in say 10 bits of reality, instead of 20 or 40.  By purposefully scaling back, I feel I may prevent tipping into psychosis.  I have had 3 psychoses in the last 14 months and that scares me.  Escpecially because the last visit to the hosptial was a horror story.  Now I am picking and chosing what to direct my energy toward, and more importantly, what not to direct my energy toward.  Too many things, too much eustress is still stress.

Liked it? Take a second to support Nuts About Melons on Patreon!
Tagged: ,


Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: