When hypomania tips to psychosis..bipolar lifestyle design
Living with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder 1 has got me wondering. I am always wondering and in a state of wonder. I wonder that I can be “doing so well”, working, being social, getting involved, and be in a state of psychosis and admitted to psych ward as wellness spills over into illness. It feels like my mania has changed to actually mean I am just doing too much in actual reality. Too much eustress can be a ‘bad’ thing. I have this sense that I can no longer sense mania in that I am embodied in actually using the energy of mania in aspects of reality. This is hard to explain, but in constrast to my first major episode of mania 5 years ago, I thought I could save the world in a day, with the power of my mind, now it seems I am doing the daily work of what I can do “to make the world a better place” a little bit at a time everyday. It seems there is a certain threashold of say doing 20 bits of work per day to doing 40 bits.
What I mean is, the energy of mania is channeled into projects happening in reality, so that it doesn’t feel like mania as I am participating with reality. In this way, psychosis sneaks up on me as I don’t realize that I am experiencing a mania. To me it feels like this is more likely a hypomania. I feel like I now how hidden mania and the extra energy that comes up arises with the project that I chose to participate in. This is my theory. With this theory, I have scaled back the number of projects and activities I am participating in. I am relaxing more and participating in say 10 bits of reality, instead of 20 or 40. By purposefully scaling back, I feel I may prevent tipping into psychosis. I have had 3 psychoses in the last 14 months and that scares me. Escpecially because the last visit to the hosptial was a horror story. Now I am picking and chosing what to direct my energy toward, and more importantly, what not to direct my energy toward. Too many things, too much eustress is still stress.