Surrendering to Psychosis with an Advance Directive
In my last post, I wrote about my first episode of psychosis. It wasn’t what I was intending to write about. I started with post with the following:
Bipolar psychosis. It could be the scariest sh*t out there. Or I should say, in here. Psychosis is nowhere and everywhere. When it’s there, it’s here, it’s everything. It’s scarier than being faced with a Tiger. At least I would stand a chance against a Tiger. I could fight, flight, freeze, or feign death. None of these work against psychosis. When psychosis descends, nothing can be done about it, because you are it and it is you. You are psychosis. I am psychosis. When it is here, it is me. Psychosis takes over.
It’s true. There is nothing I can do about psychosis. I can take my fish oil and other vitamins. I can keep my stress low, which is a work in progess. But psychosis happens. It happens to me. It has happened to me 4 times. I have lived in a whirled of psychosis. It’s a world of words, thoughts and associations in chaos. An extension of the present moment into an eternity of the the collective unconsious.
When it comes to psychosis, I can’t fight, flight, freeze or feign death. In the past I freeze and get carted off to the psych ward. In April, I had my worst psych ward experience EVER. As a result, I’m attempting to think of ways to avoid the psych ward.
Can I surrender? Can I surrender and BE psychosis, without trying to stop it? This does not mean I would not get help. I’m saying this because, last time, the help I got made it worse. How can I ensure this does not happen again?
I am in the process of creating an “Advance Directive” or “Ulysess Agreement” to protect myself from the kind of treatment I was subject to. This, I believe, made the psychosis worse. So I wonder, how much strength have I built to stand it? Can I remember to take PRNs when I feel it knocking at my door? These are the same meds they would give me in the psych ward. Can I remember to nip it, before it gets to the point where I need to go to the psych ward, where I am no longer in control of my own destiny? Where any psychiatrist can put me on a “treatment” plan of their choice, probably the same one they give everyone, without thinking or consulting the patient for past regimes that were successful?
Anyway, I will get my Advance Directive notarized. This is my first measure in protecting myself.
Can I surrender to psychosis and not make it worse by being afraid of it? Perhaps there is a benefit in that I will be more careful now that I am more afraid of the psych ward than psychosis itself. This adds another layer of fear to my exeperience. Fear that if I am in need, I will not call for help, for fear of the psych ward. This is why I am getting the advance directive, so they can’t give me the treatment that makes it worse, and then perhaps I will not fear going to the psych ward. I am sharing this to talk about a real issue here. The fact that people get traumatized in the psych ward and the choice to get an advance directive. Always call for help when you are in crisis. I will too, knowing they can’t mistreat me when I get there, which makes it worse. Holy re-traumatized.