Hacking mania

Published on August 30, 2016 under bipolar

I’ve had the sense that I am just a field of consciousness and however that state is, is how things are.  Perhaps that is just a symptom of “identifying” more as a field of energy or consciousness, and less as a physical body.  That being said, I’m learning a ton on the value of the physiology and neurobiology of things.  If I am a field of consciousness which is light and energy, how can I be more like light and energy?  One thing is eating food made directly by the sun and not processed.  Another way is not wasting energy through unhealthy postures, thoughts, visions, emotions etc.

How can I access more energy?  I had an unlimited amount once.  I could sit here an wish for that to happen again, or I could consciously create that for myself grounded in daily reality.  To me, mania is like vision casting on steroids.  It’s not just imagining, wishing and thinking of the ideal future.  It’s like time travelling to the ideal future and it happens now.  Still, I have not earned that version of me.  More on this later.

I remember how I was in my very first and most extreme mania.  I like to think of that as the highest state I have ever experienced.  To me, it was like a real life vision cast of my best possible self.  I saw the potential I have.  I saw that I can be who I want to be.  I saw it, but perhaps I didn’t believe it.  Or, the world is not designed to support a person to transition to their highest vision of themselves.  I also feel, my highest self is not for me, so unless I am clear about who I am going to serve with all that extra energy, I can go in numerous tangental directions and waste that energy.

Why is this idea of “mania as vision casting” important?  For one, it’s way better than any vision board anyone could ever create.  I was exactly how I wanted and needed to be for an entire month.  I was my best self and fully inlove with myself and life.  Nothing anyone can put on a vision board compares to this.  My brain has that vision embeded in it somewhere.  Now it’s up to me to practice.  This is where the idea of “embodying your mania” comes in.  I will talk about this more later.  But basically, the vision casting state of mania left a trace in my brain.  Now in my daily life, it’s up to me to “practice” embodying what I saw of myself in order to get my physiology and neurobiology to be like that for real.  In other words, I have to earn it.  And it’s not really about earning it, but shedding the layers to crap that is not part of that vision of me.

In that state, I had tons of energy, so it makes sense to stop doing things that drain my energy and do things that give me energy.  I have spent time in the sun, jumping on my rebounder, and eating healthy foods.  Just by having this bit of extra energy, I am staving off depression as depression is a low energy state with low energy postures.  I change my posture and I change how I feel.  And I need all the help I can get as it seems the Universe comes in and pulls the drain plug and sends me spiralling toward the psych ward whenever I get off track.  Or more acurately, on too many tracks.  Often I am doing 30 things at once when I dissociate.  It’s like the Universe is telling me, I’m on the wrong paths.  The real path is the pathless path, or the path that requires no path, as all is right here.  I’m looking for myself and I’m right here.

Why can’t I see myself, my best self?  What layers of crap are in the way?  That’s another question for another day.  For now, I will be working on embodying my mania and being my best self.


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