The end of joy, tripping over bipolar on 50mg of Quetiapine and coming in for a landing
At times, the bipolar experience can feel like traveling through time or experiencing some kind of warp in space. Two days ago, I literally I flew home and physically landed via aircraft. The scary bumps of minor turbulence was replaced by awe and selflessness as cloudy skies turned clear, and the lights of endless patches of human settlements in the dark night infused the mind, as the airplane engines roared near my window seat. The plane flew up the coast and then veered out over the ocean before turning around to make a smooth landing. Finally, we landed and I was on the ground where I wanted to be since the plane took off. I grabbed my bag and met up with my ride home.
Back up to two days earlier. I was walking in a state of flow and…
I came across a dead hummingbird. Last year, I declared the hummingbird my power animal. The hummingbird symbolizes joy. It seemed like an obvious sign of the end of joy, as it was the end of my 27 day trip. I spent time with the lifeless body and buried it in a special place. I spent many hour watching them joyously be hummingbirds.
I got home, took some, but not all the vitamins I had been taking at bedtime, 50mg of Quetiapine, and tried to go to sleep. I took 6mg of melatonin, but I thought I’d skip the tryptophan, as I had taken some on the plane, along with zinc. I can’t remember if I bothered taking lecithin. I thought since I was really tired, I didn’t need to go all out like I had been on my trip. I had a lot more energy being in sunny weather so I was taking all my “as needed” sleep vitamins.
As I was trying to fall asleep, I felt my brain trying to “figure stuff out”. I’d felt I’d come to some new realizations about how consciousness manifests experience, and my brain seemed to be applying this information in retrospect to old memories to see if it did indeed work that way. Sometimes there’s been an awareness of how at the level of consciousness, we are all one. This is something I trip over when I’m in more familiar environments, playing the roles I’ve been conditioned to play. During my trip, life unfolded as a freely flowing unfolding of living in the moment in the beauty of simplicity. So the other shock was that my being was now fragmented into thousands of complex parts, surrounded by the hundreds of things I’ve collected. At some point I told my brain that’s enough, and I did fall asleep, but…
I woke up in the night, my heart was racing, and I was terrified. It lasted only a minute or two, but my whole being was frozen in fear. Something was happening in consciousness, and it felt like death. I’ve had this death in consciousness experience too many times before, and each time I have to forget about it in order to wipe the slate clean. While it was happening, my brain was realizing that it could not operate how it was on my trip, and it was coming in for a landing in it’s new environment. My brain was tripping all over itself, even though I took 50 mg of Quetiapine. Before when this has happened, I’ve had to take more antipsychotics in order to fall asleep or drug myself with Trazadone. This time, I waited for the fear to subside. It didn’t come with the sensation of needing to end my life, thankfully, though I do have a safety plan for that. I got up and took a bunch of sunflower lecithin, and maybe some zinc and tryptophan. Whatever I took, I fell right back to sleep and the sensation of my brain dying didn’t return. I slept soundly last night after taking the maximum of my before sleep vitamins.
I hope now, that my brain and consciousness has finished tripping over itself so I don’t have to trip on higher doses of Quetiapine. It’s so interesting to me how fast this phenomenon happened. In the cycle of bipolar, one experiences highs and then something happens where that way of being dies. Sometimes this lead to confusion about dying physically, or feeling compelled to carry out actions that may lead to physical death, to mirror the “death” that’s happening in consciousness. This is a complex subject.
I wondered a while ago if 50mg of Quetiapine daily will keep the bipolar psychosis away. It doesn’t seem like it will. I had a bit of a heart-racing-brain-consciousness-dying-event happen on March 5th, and then this one I described March 21st. Maybe it keeps the sensation of feeling like I need to kill myself away while my brain is uncomfortably rearranging itself (which feels like part of it is dying).
I also talked about how on June 15th, I’m surrendering to the fact that, according to my bipolar biorhythm, I will “hit a wall” and all the accumulated subtle uphill climbing will come to a halt, and I will plummet into non functioning. The executive functioning in my brain will die away and I’ll have to start over from scratch. The simplest things will be nearly impossible and I will have to relearn everything. Perhaps this experience is a good warning sign to prepare early and completely.
I recently sign up for Amazon Prime. This way, I can get items delivered to me fast, like some food items. That way if I’m house bound, I can still get stuff and I don’t have to rely on people. Last crisis, I was unprepared and I became so non functional so fast that I couldn’t even ask for help with daily needs. I don’t want to get myself in that situation again by thinking I can avoid the crisis altogether.
I think part of what helped this episode of death-terror keep to a minimum was staying in bed while it was happening and not trying to get up. If I got up, then if the fear continued, I might grab something to harm myself. Plus, in the past, the terror has “made me” jump up and run to grab something to harm myself. So the fact that I didn’t jump out of bed was probably good. I got out of bed when I was no longer afraid and only did healthful things. I feel that even though it was super intense, not making a big deal about it in my mind makes it shorter, though I will take actions to plan for the big one.
So, I don’t think 50mg of Quetiapine is going to keep the big crisis in June away, as I’ve had bit of it surface. It may lesson the intensity, as it seems to be doing already. It may change the way I experience the next big one. The plans I’m going to put in place will help me get through some of it with more natural means. I have lots of preparations to do, like measure out doses of certain supplements etc etc. I will do a bit each day.
One other note is that after both of these little trip ups, I didn’t take tyrosine the next day as it is a precursor for dopamine and I think this happens when I have a bit too much dopamine in my brain. And I actually took 2 tyrosine on March 5th when I had a little flare up of night-fear. So that’s what gave me a clue about the dopamine pathway being involved. If it gets out of control, I can spend some time in total darkness, which I set up.
Of course, these are my own experiments on my own self. Thankfully one of the few rights we still have is the right to put what we want in our own body, some of the time. I’m learning all the time about how to live with these extremes of intense terror to tasting enlightenment. Thankfully, when life is on the way up I can manifest experiences that make riding out the terrible times worthwhile. This is something actual and not an abstract concept like “hope”. This is making dreams possible when consciousness is in states to allow them to actualize. We can see this with our actual eyes and hearts. Don’t give up. You can manifest your dreams even after periods of living out nightmares.