What it’s like to be hypomanic
I meant to post this a month and a half ago, when depression was turning into a welcomed hypomania. But I didn’t, probably because I was hypomanic. Here it is to mix “funny” in with the impractical practicalities. For me, it’s good to laugh when possible, because sometimes it’s really really not.
After 3 long months of depression mixed suicidal thoughts and a sprinkle of psychosis here and there, a slight hypomania is a welcome relief.
On October 15th I hit a wall. Not one made of concrete or giprock painted hopefully with non VOC paint, but a psychological one made of nothing but internal images made out of brain holograms, thoughts made out of sonic nothingness, and all the resulting biochemicals made from the inner human pharmacy. All of this is invisible to the naked eye yet it controls 3.5 months of my existence. It races my heart, pains my muscles, speeds up my breathing and makes me feeling like I’m being bounced around like a ping pong ball in an Olympic match between China and Japan.
It f$cks with my executive function so bad that I can barely enter an appointment in ical. I cant make the appointment.
The good news it’s depression doesn’t last forever, though it always feels like it will never end.
So how do I know I’ve switched into hypomania?
First of all, I got everything I wanted to do today done, and then some, and I look at the time and it’s only 4 o’clock. Plenty of time to do some more.
Cook brown rice, change my toothbrush head, boil water in glass kettle, sterilize the other side of the toothbrush, throw out old toothbrush head, notice there is an icky mold growing in the threads of my contigo cup, be grossed out by that fact, grab old toothbrush head from the garbage, scrub out previously referred to mold, sterilize contigo cup top, feel grateful that I will soon have access to a dishwasher, notice lemons in fridge and cut them into wedges, squeeze into contigo cup, add hot water already boiled, enjoy lemon water, eat 4 Costco olives – and that is from 4:50-5:20pm. All this with no preconceived plans. Just seeing, making a connection and doing. It feels effortless.
An even bigger clue that I’m hypomanic is what inspired me to write this post. When I arrived home, I grabbed a box from my passenger door, and when I walked by the front of my car, I stopped in my tracks. Something so beautiful stuck me. I couldn’t help myself, I had to take a picture. Well what was it? The pattern on the hood of my car made as the clear coat separated from the sunfire red pearl paint. I think it was the freaky ice storm that created this recent development in my trusty old car. It looks like I was super manic and covered my hood in rice paper.
Anyhow, I won’t keep the beauty to myself any longer…
You can see why I had to take a picture right? Well, if you’ve ever been manic then you do.
I was sitting on the couch, reviewing the snap, and maybe it looks like a birds skull or perhaps a snail.
And then I turned it upright. Doesn’t it look like the lady looking sideways?
If you can’t see that, here’s the good old fashion cock and balls…
Not only that I made a video about saving worms. There are two key destinctions, saving them and making a video.