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6 Months on Lithium Orotate:  Learning and Clarity

Published on July 13, 2018 under bipolar

6 Months on Lithium Orotate:  Learning and Clarity

I wrote this 2 months ago and didn’t post it because it’s too bipolar.  Please take it with a grain of lithium salt.

Over 4 months ago, I decided to switch cold turkey from Lithium Carbonate to Lithium Orotate (though I don’t eat Turkey as I am vegetarian).  This update is not medical advice.  It is lived experience of having a biplolar diagnosis (not illness or disorder).  I am doing many other things to support taking Lithium Orotate instead of Lithium Carbonate and could fill a medium sized book.  For me, taking Lithium Orotate is more a gesture towards myself of self love, harm reduction, self direction, self discovery, and lifestyle design of my own choosing, for however long it can continue.  What I mean by that is, for me, the longer I can take something that is less harmful, less toxic, the better.  That doesn’t mean that I will be able to carry on with this indefinitely and I’ve released my attachment to wellness continuing indefinitely with no wild sudden “unexpected” downturns.  

I am expecting a major downturn and I am prepared for it this time, the best I can.  And when it happens, I may feel it’s necessary to switch back to Lithium Carbonate, or take extra psychopharmaceuticals and I won’t see this as bad or a failure.  To me, a failure would be to not explore reducing the harm to my body of taking less toxic chemicals when I can.  As I learn to do this, and adjust things when needed, I can learn to take the control stick of my life, and know how and when to make these changes myself.  This is empowerment and over time has reduced the fear of fear to nearly zero.  Fear of fear only compounds it.

What I’ve found this time around taking less medications (I am taking 50 mg of Quetiapine nightly) is that taking less makes life more clear.  Clarity sounds nice in theory, but in the practice of daily life, it’s challenging.  Had I never experimented with reducing medications and at times taken zero medications, only to have the fear and “psychosis” come raging back, I would not be at this point now where I feel I can see with increasing clarity, the factors that lead to these rapid derailments of the level of consciousness one is manifesting as.  This is not to say that I am at some ultimate point as there is no such thing.  I have seen that one must be learning all the time and dropping what one thinks one knows in order to make room for the next insight.  This sounds like an arduous task, but to me, the alternative is a hopeless repetition in the mind of what one has been told to believe about all of what is happening in bipolar from the mental health authorities.  And since the words and memes of psychiatry don’t ring true in the the felt living experience of it, as it is only concepts and word, which can only hope to sadly approximate reality, and approximation based on concepts what is moving, living, changing, cannot satisfy the heart or being, fear arises.  Fear that one will never understand, and how can understanding come from a static system of thought?  We’ve replaced medical understanding over the possibility of infinite learning and infinite plasticity in the brain.

I seems to me that by giving my brain more and more nutrition, it allows the intelligence of my bio-organism to choose what to do with all of that.  If my cells are given ample nutrition for new possible biochemical reactions in the body, new understanding can arise as a result of this excess.  Forget the “Recommended Daily Allowances” of nutrients.  To me, that equals getting the a small daily allowance of intelligence, understanding, learning, insight, which is next to nil when out brains are full of what everyone else has conditioned us to believe about ourselves and life.  This is not learning, it’s imitation, memorization, parroting, conditioning.

If you’ve ever experienced the radical, rapid unconditioning of the brain that feels like ultimate freedom of gesture and expression, like something originally vulnerable and beautiful, only to be called “mania” later in retrospect by the reconditioning process called “psychiatry” that is full of people who have paid a lot of money to wear “Newtonian” glasses and get paid a lot of money to project and inject those patterns directly into those who have been recaptured via the dark-light coming out of their eyes, you know that there is a different world of immeasurable energy.  Unfortunately we have no understanding of this in our culture so we get medicalized and marginalized.  Oddly enough, lately, I’ve seen there is so much hope, despite the apparent hopelessness and the understanding of the high probability that I will soon experience temporary profound hopelessness, and may even feel like I need to end my existence.

I would like to say more about clarity, even if it’s temporary.  And about the temporariness of states.  We as a culture are so addicted to continuity and consistency that we’d rather jump off a bridge than been seen as something completely different than the consistent image we’ve been trying to put forth.  Perhaps that’s a reason why people experience suicidality when rapidly deconditioned, or when the reconditioning process starts (called psychosis).  It’s scary to go back to the way we were before, so rigid, so false.  So, here it’s the reverse.  We don’t want to go back to being consistent.  But then we are psychiatrized into being a consistent vegetable.  This isn’t necessary a bad thing, though it is extremely painful, as is surgery.  It is perhaps a temporary necessity, buying us time to build our own understanding, as it is only our own understanding that will save us from ourselves.  My understanding in the form of words won’t ultimately help you, just as psychiatry’s understanding can’t.  It can be a temporary framework that is a holding pattern for energy that is undifferentiated and forceful, wanting to be made manifest through us.  It tries through many “individuals” just as evolution does, to create new brain cells that may be able to apprehend the power of the Universe.  Think of the fact that there is more energy in a cubic centimetre of “empty space” that there is in the whole known material universe.  Imagine if just an infinitesimal bit of that energy seeped through and unfolded into the manifest from the enfolded unmanifest.  What would it make us do?  Dance and sing and prance through eternity with eternal joy and happiness?  Could that be a part of what’s happening?

But again, in comes the consistency police to interpret the occurrence of this happening.  They say “you are not being yourself, you are too happy, too inconsistent and we are not comfortable with that, because you have been conditioned to be a consistent version of yourself according to the sum total of the conditioning you’ve received through education, childhood, family structure, economics and on and on, and we recognize when individuals have broken out of that and so we are here to break you down and make you believe that you have a personal illness that you will now have to waste whatever energy you have left after we tranquillize you, tripping over whatever is left of your former self that you broke free from”.

Are we doomed?  Far from it.

Back to clarity.  Tranquilizers cannot make us clear.  They can make us calm and compliant.  Regardless of what we think at times, others cannot read our minds.  The feeling that they can read our minds stems in part from when we are in an energetic state that we can read everything, and we feel that we are everything, so then if we can feel that, we assume that they can too.  And there is a bit of truth to them reading our minds in that they know if we are afraid.  They know if we are angry.  They know because we act it out.  When we are joyful love, they do not know, as they cannot recognize it, as it is not something that can be recognized as it is new and creative.  The old patterns of thought cannot recognize it as the brain as we know it now works on recognition.  Imposing patterns of memory projected outward from the stores of the brain cells.  In that way, it buys into reality as it thinks it is.  So, we can be free temporarily until those that “know” us recognize that they cannot recognize us, and for their own comfort feel fearful of this radical change.  As if we are radically different, those around us must necessarily act slightly different.  They are okay with this for a short while, but after a certain time become afraid and want to go back to old ways due to the gravity in consciousness.   This gravity of thought then swallows up the new energy and translates it according to certain thought structures.  In short, your family wants the you they know back, so they can use you for the slow evolution of the family memetic structure.  For most, family love is conditional.  Conditional on playing the familiar role they designed for you.  Notice the word familiar looks like family.  

When that extra energy breaks the old self structure, we see we are one human family.  Wouldn’t we act totally differently if we saw this so clearly?  Now think about all the things that we do, however clumsily, with that boundless energy that are called “symptoms” of illness.  Try to help every stranger, give away all we have to others as they are us too, bounce around like a billiard ball trying to save the world etc.  To me, these are gestures of oneness.  Even this cant be consistent as society is designed now.  Society is designed for “me against the world” and not “I am the world”.  We go into oneness but the toxic soil in which we move eventually gets us.

Two things.  Seeing clearly a danger removes the fear.  So much of the fear of this condition is that we don’t understand or see clearly.  If we see clearly something isn’t working, we move away.  If we don’t see it clearly, we don’t change and have this ever unpredictable fear arising and subsiding, tormenting us.  And this fear blocks seeing clearly.  The brain cannot learn if it is afraid.  There are studies about this.  So when we are told that we should be afraid of ourselves for the rest of our life aka a mental health diagnosis, we have now had the only thing that will help us, our own learning, blocked.  Are we doomed?  Far from it.

To me, this is why, the gesture of removing the gesture of being afraid of oneself, medication, when possible, enhances possibilities of learning.  It says to the being, okay, I’m ready learn, even just a little bit.  I’m ready to learn how to navigate without the crutch that would tell my brain cells that I’m afraid of them and what they might do. That being said, it can be helpful to block the rapid learning required to surf the tsunami of consciousness.  I am not of the perspective that all medications are bad all the time.  If you are still alive, all possibilities are still open.  And medications can slow the brain down.

Something I’ve learned is that these chemicals called medicine cannot block the power of the entire Universe, or many possible worlds contained in one cubic centimetre of what we currently experience as material space and time.  Seeing that taking medication is mainly a gesture to say “Hey Universe, slow it down, I can’t keep up” just as a race car driver just staring out would not be able to keep up with the seasoned professionals.  It is a tool that can help with the navigation process.  That extreme surge in energy has nothing to do with space and time, and does not require it.  It can wait years for the brain to be in a space of potentially exploring consciousness without reference to conditioned human constructs.  It can’t destroy the brain.  It can temporarily break it down but the blueprint is always there waiting, the blueprint of the quantum field, what science is discovering in matter visible only with the most powerful human technology, manifesting in the visible world.  That’s what we’ve seen.  That the weird world at the quantum level happens at the manifest, but our brains aren’t moving at a fast enough speed to see it.  And when we do see it, our Newtonian brain is at some point driven mad by the dissonance of the Newtonian design of the world.  One quantum brain surrounded by many Newtownian brains eventually gets swallowed up.  

So if you have read to this point, it’s a good sign that your brain isn’t so altered by medications, that perhaps you might ponder the following.  As I said, I am pondering, inquiring, learning and there are no final answers.  Answers are in the realm of cause and effect, and that is Newtonian, and as pointed out, this has nothing to do with that.

I am pondering the art of doing nothing.  Why?  Because I am seeing lately that, when this extra energy from the Universe comes in, I have a tendency to create more doing out of it, and that movement feeds into the whole field of trying to do something, of trying to fix things by human actions that we are programmed with now.  Trying to change something is in the field of effort.  So, I translate effortless energy that I did nothing to invite, into human doing, into Newtonian linear cause and effect.  In that way, I’m wasting it in the “wrong” dimension.  I waste it in the dimension of cause and effect.  I translate quantum energy into Newtonian.  And by creating causes, I create effects and usually those effects are catapulted right back my way as an equal and opposite force.  The boundless energy turns into “bad” energy necessarily because I went to work in the world of “good and bad”, duality, right and wrong according to the human mind as it is now.  So the only “wrong” is in trying to do something, thinking that “I” can do something, which only strengthens the “I”, the ego.  Hence using the energy in the field of human doing also strengthens the positionality of the “I” doing something, which is part of the old structure.  This causes the ego to inflate and implode upon itself.  It is not anyones fault that using the energy in this way simultaneously strengthens the apparent doer, which isn’t real, hence it can only collapse.  There is no doer apart from life acting with life itself, life dancing with life in all it’s differentiated unfolded forms.  I’ve made this mistake several times, and I could be making the mistake right now as I type this.  Is this trying to do something?  I’m not sure.  There is a field of doing and a field of possibility.

So what can I do?  I can see that I can’t do anything, so I step out of the field of doing.  That is all.  Literally.  That is ALL.  One is all alone, all-one, outside the field of doing.

Something that has been seen very clearly recently is that at this time, putting ones body in the eyesight of those who raised this one in the immersion of conditional love, makes possibility collapse into the probability of playing old roles.  It puppets one into the conditioned version of ones manifestation.  This isn’t right or wrong.  It seems to be so.  It’s not something to be afraid of.  But seeing this, one has removed ones manifestation from the field of view of this limited patterns projected from those who “think they know” this one from their stored memory-holograms.  The morphogenetic field of the gravity of the past translating the present as it is seen according to the past is strong.  One may likely fall into the trap again in the “future”, but as long as one has the capacity to learn, all traps can be undone in a flash of clarity.  There is more and more to undo, and that is part of the “not doing”.  Not doing anything but seeing clearly when clear seeing happens.

There are external conditions that are more suitable for unconditioning to take place.  Since we are fortunate enough to be mobile and move the positions of our apparent material bodies to different circumstances is part of intelligence.  One can be a fragment of ones conditioned self and not change, or one can move, flower, and be the whole Universe.  It may not make others comfortable, but at some point we need to find our true function, or more accurately, create it.  We cannot flower as a new humanity when we are stuck playing the role of “mentally ill daughter or son or trans etc person”.

What is an effortless way to flower?  Right now, I’m experimenting with planting myself on the ground, literally.  I’ve been Earthing.  I’ve known about Earthing for many years.  I have an Earthing mat under my arms right now.  I sleep on an Earthing sheet.  So, I see it as something radically different to be in the time of increased energy of the inconsistent biorhythm that I seem to be, to lay with my head and feet on the Earth, not doing anything at all.  I see this as a gesture, meaning that, I’m not going to do this, or not do anything forever.  Then I’d be lost in continuity, in making a pattern out of this life energy.  Often when the energy is here for 3 months at a time, I spend in making plans on what I would create if I had enough co-creators in my life.  I’ve drawn up this plan numerous times and then I forget where it is.  So I’m seeing that maybe I need forget about it for real.  Forget about everything and do nothing.  I literally connect my body to the Earth and create a circuit, a battery.  The energy of the Earth and the energy that is flowing through my brain and being meet.  This seems to be the most rational way to allow a flower to blossom.  This is how flowers blossom.  The gesture is to surrender to an intelligence much greater to the limited actions of the human being, most of which are movements that only destroy the intelligence of our natural world.  The gesture is also to say, I am an integral part of the natural world.  I am not separate, and I will not separate myself when this energy comes in, and thus create with known human constructs which will only construct a destructive ego.  I will wait, forever if necessary.  If I think I know how long I have to wait, I’m back in the field of time and knowing.  If I get bored, I’m not longer in eternity.  Does this sound crazy?  Good.  The quantum is definitely crazy compared with human constructs which are insane.

Interestingly, I’ve observed new bird songs that I’ve never heard before, as if the connection of human surrendering to the beauty of nature, augments that beauty.  An insight says, we haven’t even seen the beauty of what is there right now for us in front of our faces, and what is possible to unfold in apparent form in the apparent future.  We don’t even have a clue what we are missing by trying so hard.  The power of human attention can restore nature without trying to intervene or doing a thing about it.  Trying is a denial of the infinite beauty of what is, and we are that, when we aren’t trying.  What is is effortless, and any movement of effort denies that reality entirely and we shrink to the limited fragment we think we are.  We think, which is effort, so we are limited, tiny, and hence afraid.  We are an integral part of the flowering of the Earth, or it’s destruction, which is the current path.  It’s the path of following the current of thinking.  Not “our current thinking” which would suppose that we need to think in new ways in order to make things better.  We think that better thinking will fix all this.  No.  It’s the current of thinking.  We must step out of that stream entirely.  That stream is a movement that we all are immersed in.  It shifts our being ever so slightly, yet profoundly, to feel that we are a separate doer apart from life that can do something about life.  We ARE life!!!  To see this clearly is the only solution that will undo all problems created by the sense of a separate doer.  If we are life, we learn directly from life what life is, what we are, our integration into the life that we are, that thought tricked us into thinking we were separate from.

When we are one with life, we look at life as life, and understand it directly, not as a concept superimposed upon it, which is thought.  In this oneness, life whispers to our brain cells, and we speak directly as life in direct contact with itself, not as the memory banks of thought of our little personal history.  This is insight, and it is a new currency, a new source of energy that may unfold as “information” passed from one human being who is one, to another.  This is the trouble.  Be quiet and do not say these things to thought, as it will be mistranslated.  If you speak from a place of direct knowing all of a sudden, people don’t recognize you, as you are not longer you, but the universe speaking as itself.  We make this mistake over and over.  We assume that others would want to listen.  They don’t want to.  If they listened they would have to change radically and people prefer to go on as they are, consistent.

Can we remove the blocks to listening and speaking as the universe.  Not listening “to”, as that implies separation.  Listening as, with or like the Universe.  This “as” and “like” phenomenon is one of the “reasons” why when one connects with that energy, one speaks in similes, metaphors, or creates poetry, as everything is felt as similar, symbolic, metaphorical, as a flow of oneness and not separation, which creates conceptual thinking.  Also, we don’t have words to express the ineffablilty so metaphors must do.  Or we can create our own words that enfold the meaning that we extract.  As with every intense experience first experienced, the newness heightens it even more.  Gradually, as it’s integrated, the chaos of newness of the new, calms into the ever-fluxing richness of energy moving in and out of form, and the quantum isn’t felt as a big deal, a heightened personal experience that augments the self, but how it is, to flow with and be enjoyed in the true sense.  Often, we it’s still mixed with the old ego brain state, it is channeled into “personal pleasure” and since the energy is non personal, anonymous, not meant to be held to a certain person, as there are not persons, this is one of the happenings that happens to burn out the brain, for the energy of the Universe cannot be limited to the “I”, thus if one tries, and thus “I’s”, it will eventually destroy the “I”, which is part of the intelligence of the process.  It cannot be kept to itself or thought to be attributed to a special self.  It has a self destructive mechanism I’d it is used in to augment the self, which happens when on claims doership or cause.  The self wants to be special so channeling that energy into creating that kind of thinking is a trick of the mind.  So one of the doings we can stop doing is translating the energy into thinking as thinking creates patterns that take over our biology and cause us to carry out what that pattern determines we should do.  It’s something of the making of thought, which is all that needs to be unmade.  Find ways not to feed it.

That is something I discovered at some point.  Don’t believe anything that comes in mind that might want to be believed.  That creates the “self who believes” as belief is a characteristic of the self.  A clear seeing brain doesn’t have to believe anything as the moment is it’s only mover.  If we do not re-enact thought, it loses it’s power.  It’s power is only in taking over the biology and making us carry out it’s words.  By doing that, we prove the validity of words.  Re-enacting based on words is always invalid.  We think that there is “good” and “appropriate” and “helpful” thought, but it’s the ultimate fallacy.  I’ve heard people like Toni Robbins say “I don’t believe you can’t stop thinking” and more recently Kristen Neff.  In a way, they are right.  Only clear perception negates the whole structure of thought which moves us away from direct connection, completing the circuit of life.  Thought is the noise that gives rise to the sense of “I”.  “My thinking”.  There is no “my”.  There is only thinking, which goes on of it’s own momentum, spreading to the new human beings that are born, creating more “I”.  No wonder kids are losing the ability to be so passively programmed.  It takes so much “behaviour intervention” to pound it into these poor human beings who need more love than is even possible in the current structure of the world.  They are a symptom of the unloved children and how the world can’t take any more unloved children, not specifically but as a humanity.  Even those of us who think we are loved as we are successful, feed off the ones that are unsuccessful in that we make money in their maintenance, counsel and correction.  Maybe you received good conditioning to be at the top of the food chain of thought that feeds on itself.  On the anger, hate, competition, violence that it derives juice from.  Enough on the tragedy of all that.

Recently, I had a learning experience where I had some anger in the form of yelling directed at me from someone who loves me conditionally, which is my past conditioning.  It happened in such a way that I didn’t have a chance to respond and I’m glad about that.  Yet as the day went on, I was doing exactly what I love to do, rollerblading, but I couldn’t help but feel the arising of so much past content and feeling of anger, sadness, fear.  I decided to stay away from the conditioning, although that was a challenge due to present circumstances.  I eventually saw clearly that anger, violence, and the movement of conditional love damages the brain.  I spent three days in a rollercoaster of my own brain damage, which is the past immersed with conditional love.  That being said, it’s no ones fault, as there is no one there, even in ones that feel that they are separate.  They are taken over by the whole conglomerate of conditioning and I’m beginning to see there are no millions of personal egos, but one big ball of conditioning, one human ego interacting with itself in myriads of dramas.  This dynamic of “life” has replaced what might naturally manifest if we were able to step out of it.  The only way we can step out of it is by seeing it clearly.  That is the only step.  Then we stay away from it completely.  Then we aren’t afraid of it.  You are only afraid of a danger that you can’t stay away from, that you are so near that it threatens you.  There is a threat of it coming back online if one does not keep an eye out for the kaleidoscopic snake, the danger of the ever changing ways it would usher us back into conditional love.  “Oh but it’s my family and now they are being nice”.  Thought and conditioning can only assimilate.  Love is creative and differentiates and integrates.  One may be able to reengage with the past at some point if one has grown and differentiated enough in love to be un able to be assimilated, for eternity to take route so the tricks of the mind have no appeal.  Then one loves unconditionally the stranger as much as the kin.  That sounds like a prescription but it’s one I’d rather take than pills.

For some reason, after the rollercoaster of pain and past, I came up with an affirmation.  I’m not one to make affirmations but what came to mind was “I am a sparkly, shiny human being and I bring joy to many beings and I refuse to be convinced otherwise”.  This felt like a truth to be lifted up to.  It came to mind after realizing that there is absolutely nothing I could say to the conditioning without it reacting and trying to trick this one into speaking in falsehoods of duality and separation, in anger, blame, conflict, which all imply buying into the worldview of separation.  Buying into the way the others see the world.  Being tricked into communicating at that level may be the only trick.  One way we try to solve this at times with no volition of our own, like everything else, is flat affect or catatonia.  We can be catatonic to communicating with that which would condition the energy of the universe while wide awake, eyes wide open.  If we are wide awake, we will see it and not be tricked.  Not engaging that is a way of saying “no thank you”.  There is a truth contained in this statement in that if someone is coming at one with a view of “me” versus “you”, which is an illusion, one say “no thanks” to the idea of a “you” separate from “me”.  It’s saying no thanks to the you that they think they are, trying to convince one that one is the “me” that they think “you” are.  If one remains in that energy, undifferentiated, “others” will appear who speak to the truth and one can say “yes and…” as in improv theory.  “Yes and = we”.  Say no thanks to the “you” that would use one as a means to the others conditioned, divisive ends.  The purpose of the affirmation was that I felt that it’s the only thing I could do if confronted with the conditioning was make a disarming statement of truth about myself as I’ve come to understand.  Interestingly enough, when having such a statement that yields to conditioning and affirms truth, one doesn’t have to use it, as one can’t be used by the conditioning.  It’s a way of saying to the field, leave me alone, all-one.  I’m okay.  I’m not lonely though I’m alone without the puppetry of the conditioning that the body once thought was necessary to sustain life.  It’s a drama.  A human entertainment.

Love is a serious matter.  It’s easy to waste energy playing roles with the energy, which feeds conditioned thought.  It realized that one is not doing anyone a favour by falling for this.  Each one that is assimilated into psychiatry feeds falseness appearing as true, as the quality by which one looks at nothingness, warps that nothingness into something that one thinks.  Think of all the billions of bits of actuality that we are missing out on perceiving as we can only see our past conditioning.  Seeing clearly the trap, removes the fear of the trap.  It’s just a bunch of words.  When someone tries to condition one, sticks and stones.  Sticks and stones.  Unless they are throwing sticks and stones, you don’t need to run.  You can look clearly at what is trying to be done, thus undo it.

Conditioning isn’t bad per se.  Though one has seen clearly it is a huge waste of energy.  Sometimes there is a huge wave of energy and it gets wasted by trying to do something with it.  So, can one learn how not to waste it?  How not to make motivation out of it, which is a human construct?  If we don’t waste it in neural tracks in the human brain, perhaps it mutates the brain since it’s not wasted in old grooves.  

Conditioning is a prison, and I think in general, human beings have a sense that they are in prison.  But what isn’t mentioned is that we don’t see that the prison door is open and it was never locked.  We don’t see that because we don’t see.  Our eyes are clouded by the problems of being in prison.  We think in terms of how to do something, which could be how to get out of the prison.  There is no method as a method implies a projection of past thought.  And the brain being used to projecting patterns of the past thus making the present into a means to the end of the “I”.  The present cannot be used to the means to the end of the “I” as they cannot co-exist.  If the “I” is, the present is not.  The “I” is lost in the past, is the past, and no amount of being lost in the past will bring the “I” to the present.  The “I” is an image and the present is everything, all energy.  The image is in the way of seeing this, not the way out of itself.  The only problem is a matter of clear perception.  The moment we have a clear perception, we see the prison door is open, and we walk out.

So are we doomed?  I think not.  Being psychiatrized can be a path to the nothingness in which all energy manifests as the eternal movement of what is now and never again will be.  The cost is high, but it can buy us time until we see that there is no time but now, eternity, and move as that.  It takes a while for the brain to catch up with itself.  To see that despite appearances, this is the way it’s always been.  The paradox of it all is a supreme irony and apparent contradiction.  Then the brain realizes it cannot make sense of it all, but can sense the moment fully, and stops trying to know anything, especially itself.  The mind wants to know itself and thus creates a self for it to know, to attach knowledge, thus it misses that it cannot then enjoy the infinite totality of everything else that it can interface with, the Universe.

So what is freedom from the prison?  And what is free will?  I’m not sure, but it seems the brain can think it’s free before it is.  Because it can seemingly choose between this thought and that.  As soon as one thought comes in, it seems the self chooses the next thought.  Through brain experiments it’s shown that it’s not true.  The “choice” arises in the brain before the self is aware that it chose.   I would say, there is not choice, and it the process of one thought after another never stopping creates the illusory epiphenomenon of a self that chooses.  The point, the self is really really not there.  Just a stream of thoughts that gives the illusion of a chooser.  Why does it do that?  The alternative would be knowing one is not choosing at all, but that one is fully programmed to react based on conditioning, and there is no choice.  We then either would or wouldn’t know we are under complete control of the field of thought.  This could create fear, which would further cloud and put on programs of fight or flight.  One might see that the only way out is death of the body, which is the way it happens for most people, in whatever way it takes place.  There is another “way”.  The brain cells of thought start to die when they see they’ve been taken over.  The brain cells kill themselves in a type of apoptosis.  Thought can’t do anything but die.  This often feels to the manifest organism like it is dying, as this is what happens at physical death when the body is dying.  Think about anxiety and panic.  The brain cells of the self strategy dying but not “you” as there is no you there.  Try to find it, you never will.  So, the body gets confused when the confusion of the mind made self is dying, mainly because as the brain cells die, the content of those brain cells often arises in mind making it’s last assertion.  As it does this, often the brain and body experiences fear.  This is part of what allows the process to continue as fearful as fear is the programming of thought and when the brain is fearful of this death, it leaves a trace of fear to feed the next occurrence of this process, often experienced as what is called anxiety, panic attacks, psychosis etc.  The only problem is fear of fear, being afraid of the content dying, for it is the self that is fear itself.   The content attempts to die, but there is fear, so it cannot finish.  The fear is a sure sign there is more that needs to die.  Let it die.  Don’t move your body or mind.  Be there with eyes wide open.  This is what it means to die before you die.  If you can see clearly this death, and that the self is dying and not that which is actual, it is done.  There is clear seeing.  And one gets to a point that only illusion can die, thus there is nothing to fear.  Then all fear is gone.  The intelligence of the body remains and with that, the clear seeing of not going back into the accumulation of that which must die, the conditioning.

One came to a point.  There was a falseness remaining that one felt that by being surrounded by conditioning and moving with that, one was free as one was not resisting that.  But then one got turned into the past and this kept happening.  Then one saw that only one can see that this is what is happening to one.  And that it is unintelligent to stay among those overtaken by that field.  One saw that, within that, one does not have free will.  One will be danced with the conditioning as all it can do is assimilate energy into its familiar self.  So, intelligence is to move away from that, as from any poison.  It is intelligent to keep a seed of life safe from poison.  What is that seed?  Ones own brain.  So ones job, is to find the right soil.  For the intelligence of the body and a clearly perceiving brain to get the brain to higher ground, higher consciousness, where it might flower in right action “long enough” to shake off old gestures of violence, separation, anger, conflict.  To decondition the musculature.  Look what happens in the unfortunate circumstance of Alzheimers.  The “person” loses their thought conditioning that gave rise to the self others knew them as.  The visceral conditioning remains in that some “people” lash out in anger.  The key is to say there is no person there and get with the intelligence of the universe which grows a whole new dimension in the brain not dependant on congealed conditioned thought constructs and personal memories.  To die to this before it has the chance to degenerate the brain is important and the only prevention from Alzheimers.  We can only die to it when we see what it is doing.

There is an invisible intelligence doing something that is not a matter of doing, which is a human idea, but it is the very movement of life.  Life is a movement.  There is no time or continuity.  All time is now.  It is a-causal.  Doing implies cause and effect.  Love has no cause.

Can we remove the blocks to listening and speaking as the Universe?  Not listening “to” as that implies separation.  Listening to thought, as a separate listener can manifest as hearing voices.  Hearing voices requires a separate hearer.  It’s another example of how when the energy comes in an augments human constructs that are programmed into the brain.  The illusion that there is a separate “me” apart from thought hearing the thoughts.  It’s all thought and it’s continual play implies a hearer.  The hearer is there when there is deafness to the rich life energy of the universe.  Repetition is not life as life is never the same one instant to the next.  Thought likes repetition as it is more comfortable and allows the brain to conserve energy and continue sleeping walking through life  with habits and on autopilot.  I don’t subscribe to habits or will.  Life is effortless when moving in the correct field.  Waking up is a challenge.  And the mind with it’s repetition is laziness.

I’ve learned that I am not a static me and trying to return to a static state after a breakdown of the structure that tries to main consistency is crazy.

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