2017 Bipolar Financial Report – This is kind of funny
I’ve been pondering my expenditures of 2017. As a bipolar person, finances can be bipolar too.
In order to get an idea of what I spent money on, I looked through my credit card statement, bank account, PayPal account and Amazon account. My Amazon account is linked to my credit card but I had no idea what all those Amazon charges were without referring back.
People with Bipolar Disorder are well known for having money troubles and I am no exception. We are known for times of extreme spending which can result in very lean times in the fallout of both mood and bank account. This is exacerbated by the fact that at times it can be difficult to make money, hold down a job, and not exist in poverty. I definitely spend more money when I’m on the manic side, though after 7 years of living with the condition, I find the money I spend is in alignment with my values and not too extreme. Being slightly manic give me the energetic nudge to click “Buy it Now”, enter in my details or do the easy “buy with one click” purchase with all the deets already pre-ironed out. In anywhere from a few days to a few weeks, I have something in my possession that I likely already wanted or needed.
My current analysis had several motivations besides the obvious “where the hell did my money go”. I wanted to see if my spending was indeed in alignment with the values I have on a daily basis when I’m somewhat sane. I wanted to see how many purchases I would now consider “a waste” from this vantage point now that I have the luxury of retrospect. I wanted to see if I could find an underlying pattern to see what I’m really up to underneath it all by looking at where I am willing to part with my cash. I also wanted to reflect on an estimation of where I’ve spent my money in years prior, what my values were and what my life was like.
Though this is in no way an exact analysis, I’m beginning to discover some new insight. Will there be any actionable steps from this? I’ve already put together some ideas to inform 2018. Of course having a plan and carrying it out are completely different things (special thanks to BP).
Here is a summary of what I’ve found so far:
I spend a good percentage of my money on trying to “cure” bipolar disorder with supplements and other healing modalities
I spend a big chunk of my money trying to acquire knowledge about what else could help bipolar disorder
I spent a bunch of money on creative projects resulting from said bipolar disorder
I wasted around $2500-$3000 last year, according to my estimates and how I’ve decided to decide said item is a “waste”, which is sadly a big percentage of my income
I also buy coffee at Tim Hortons
Overall, I didn’t spend very much money in 2017 as I didn’t have much to spend.
This next part was a bit of a shock to the right nipple:
Of the 46 purchases and/or categories I tracked, only 11 had nothing to do with bipolar disorder. That’s only 25%. It’s actually less than that because some of the vitamins I ordered multiple times and only counted them once. (This count doesn’t include the regular bills of gas, car insurance, food, rent, and cellphone).
Of the 11 non bipolar disorder related purchases, only 5 are for what I would call fun. This count doesn’t include the daily occurrence of the fun of eating and drinking coffee. Most of the fun purchases were in September, right before I tipped over into psychosis and depression in early October. The fun included a registration fee to the “Color Run” ($40), a week long trip to a nearby island ($300 for transport and accommodation), tickets to a concert ($120), another trip ($300), and a tour of a forrest ($40).
Some of the other 6 included a $120 car repair, BCAA membership which was worth it because I left my lights on at least once ($115), passport renewal for $160, winter boots for $70, and parking.
Everything else was either directly or indirectly related to my efforts to try to solve the bipolar mystery that is my life. It seems I’m bipolar about being bipolar. I can’t seem to just leave it alone and ride the waves, accepting the medical model notion verbatim, taking more meds when I’m up and even more meds when I’m down.
I spent money on micronutrients for bipolar, vitamin C for bipolar, tot darkness blinds for bipolar, amber glasses for bipolar, car rental and hotel to get to an “Emotional CPR” workshop that could potentially help bipolar, Holotropic Breathwork for bipolar, haritaki powder to open my pineal gland which was interesting for a bipolar, a 2TB hard drive to store videos I made while crazy, iCloud storage monthly so said bipolar media syncs to the cloud and is safe like a bipolar person would like it to be, consulting with a naturopath 6 time zones away who is also bipolar thus instilling hope in this bipolar that his bipolar supplement program will help bipolar, buying said supplements on vitacost.com, spending $100 on rainbow leotards, fairy wings, a rainbow wig while manic and thinking I might go roam around crazy-like, buying a private mailbox to set up a company for shenanigans that I dream you would join me in like a bipolar swarm intelligence, a private embedding plugin for this blog order to secret send out special messages to my one subscriber, upgrading said plug in to the max capacity which doubles the price, an external hard drive that hooks right to my phone from indegogo to handle the extra capacity of created media (this device never arrives in the mail even with the estimated delivery being one month later- I will never order from them again as I’ve order 4 things that never arrived, unless I forget while manic and buy a gadget in my joyful forgetfulness), a subscription to masterclass.com thinking I can be a photographer, electronic music producer, documentary film maker, singer etc all at the same time if I just learn from those experts, a blue light for blue light therapy for bipolar (even though the packaging says not for bipolar), a subscription to selfdecode.com to plug my bipolar DNA information from 23andme.com which was purchased years earlier due to bipolar all while learning nothing about bipolar (I did learn that I have a tendency towards liquid earwax and that my hair is not red), the muse meditation headband as well as the muse monitor app in order to look at my bipolar brain waves (I discovered the ascension frequency and the Jesus frequency, both which are present in this bipolar brain – doesn’t help the grandiosity) and I bought MUSE with $400 worth of credit card points that I earned on my 75% bipolar purchases which I could have spent on something not related to bipolar if I wasn’t bipolar, a subscription to dropbox because it seems to have more functionality for bipolar shenanigans than iCloud storage, a small bluetooth heart rate monitor when I already have a chest strap that works just fine but my bipolarness made me want to compare the two (turns out the original chest strap works much better – should have listened to the 2 star rating but I’m bipolar), a workshop on mental health, conference calls for special training regarding bipolar but calling it something else (fingers crossed for a paradigm shift – ooo crossing my fingers is free!), lottery tickets hoping the universe will be generous to this bipolar so that she can carry out previously multiply referred to shenanigans, hosting this website of mostly semi coherent yet impractical and useless memes that seemed to be picked from the ether at the time of spawning, and a medical alert bracelet to inform those who may be subjected to overt craziness stemming from invisible origins that is bipolar.
And this was just last year. I was just a delusional in 2015, 2016 and 2017. The 3 hospitalizations weren’t enough to convince me that I couldn’t conquer this thing, that isn’t a thing, that isn’t anywhere, that is freakin’ INVISIBLE.
So I keep on trying to keeping on trying to learn about nothing in order to conquer nothing but bipolar disorder. Have I solved it? No. And I’m begging to think this is the end of trying to solve it, just after I order a few more rounds of vitamins. And I’m going to try another diet…low GI…perhaps you’ve heard of it. And, if I had more money to waste, I do a metabolic panel test for $1000, but I have to take the pee sample when I’m completely psychotic, which makes it hard to read the directions (I tried last time and I couldn’t figure out how to pee or where to send it). Aaaaaand, I heard about this allergy test that is good for people with bipolar from yorktest.ca that cost $800. Apparently it has more foods and allergens than just the usual corn, gluten, eggs and milk for $250, which I probably did at some point. Then I might be satisfied.
I probably should have just paid for counselling.
Back to the 11 purchases out of 47. 25% non bipolar fixing related purchases. It looks a bit to me like the 80/20 rule. I haven’t read the book and I’m not going to buy it because I told myself I’m not spending money on books this year ($170 in 2017 which is way less than I used to in previous year, both bipolar and pre-bipolar, when I probably was bipolar and didn’t know it). As I bipolar I can’t help but spend 80% of my non essential purchases on trying to fix myself or stuff related to ranting about trying to fix myself. I’m wonder if in 2018 I can reverse that number. If I can spend 80% of that money on non bipolar stuff. On stuff that has nothing to do with bipolar directly or indirectly.
Maybe I could give FUN a try. I have some ideas. I might, just might buy a stand up paddle board at point. FUN! I hesitate since it has a high chance of being a big waste if don’t use it (I’m actually scheduled to be in the hospital this summer according to my current 8.5 month biorhythm of mania-psychosis-depression). Plus, the warm season is short here. I might just might buy some stuff to make electronic music. This also has a high chance of being a waste if don’t sit down and create.
Another thought is to make use of all the stuff I already have. I’m going to go through it all very soon and see if I can make fun stations around my living space. This could make me manic. More on this later.
I’m trying to tell myself to “be in my body” in 2018. I’ve spent a ton of time in my head thinking about bipolar stuff and roaming around in the 3D world with congruent gestures and actions. Plus, I’m getting older and I can machinate when my body starts sagging.
What percentage of your cash to do spend on bipolar or being bipolar? If the answer is zero, you aren’t using your brain and you are a tumble weed in the wind of the system. If you’re answer is 80%, you are a dog chasing your tail, and you are one of those dogs with no tail. So you’re just like me! I’ve come to the realization, at least for today, that I need to start enjoying the times when I’m feeling good and learning to better weather the times when I feel like the word ended yesterday.